It seems that i only come back to this little corner of my universe when i really need to let something out.

Almost cut my hair
It happened just the other day
It's gettin' kind of long
I could've said it was in my way

But I didn't and I wonder why
I feel like letting my freak flag fly
And I feel like I owe it, to someone

Must be because I had the flu for Christmas
And I'm not feeling up to par
It increases my paranoia
Like looking in my mirror and seeing a police car

But I'm not giving in an inch to fear
çause I've promised myself this year
I feel like I owe it, to someone

When I finally get myself together
I'm gonna get down in that sunny southern weather

And I find a place inside to laugh,
Separate the wheat from the chaff
I feel ...
Like I owe it, to someone, yeah


Thanks csny, you know how to say it way better than i do.

GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING CHRIST ALMIGHTY... FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!! fuck... FUCK!

It's the standard thing, right? Treat people the way you wish to be treated? Do unto others as you would have done unto you?

Can anyone pull down one of those handy over head light projector thingy's and explain to me how that actually works, because I'm totally lost. I live by a set list of morals. I always have and I always will.

Respect and honesty!

Everything that matters when it comes to carrying on in day to day life revolves around those two things. When one or both of them don't happen, it is an automatic dismissal of both in return.

Happy new years all!

I can't believe how ridiculous this is! I can't believe that I'm actually a party to this. I thought better of myself, and I thought better of all of you.

I think i found a singular happy place this evening. Sitting in my basement, reading a book I recently was given, listening to Miles Davis and drinking a glass of wine. Everything that reminds me of failure has been packed into a form fitting case or taped into a box. Nothing except the simple feeling of wanting a cigarette put a notch in me. Maybe tomorrow it will be the Dave Brubeck record I've been denying for the past few months. Yes, I think that will do nicely.

Who's the sucker that lives for a good day once in a while. The stupid fuck that works behind a desk, hates his life and plays squash with his boss because he wants to get "in good". Sometimes, but then again, he made his bed, he'll sleep in it.

I hope for good days. Whole days of goodness would be pretty alright. Maybe I ask too much, no, I know exactly what I want. That isn't the problem. Maybe it would be fucking awesome if I could just be happy. Remind me.. what's that like? Anyone know? I'd really be up for a refresher on that one.

Where did my passion go? Where did the inspiration go?

I tried playing every guitar I own this evening and they all sounded wrong. What has destroyed this for me?

Maybe it's time I just moved on.

I'm so tired. I work too hard. I'm treated like shit. Blah blah blah. No wants to hear me bitch this.

Anyway, I got a new guitar off ebay today. Small joys in my life, coming home and playing my guitars. That's about it.

shit...

four months away, with nothing to do but lose myself in what work needs to be done, my guitar and the snow. Could there be a better idea... I really hope not. Cross my fingers and hope.

Well I guess that's it.
That was sort of anti-climatic.
I wonder if I learned my lesson this time...
If I didn't, I wonder If I can keep a straight face until I do.

Wicked... Now I have to re-record the whole god damned thing.
I am going to have to pull out the ol' magnifying glass and figure out where exactly the breaking point line is, and think about what happens when I hit it. Hopefully I never have to find out.

when I was 17 I made a list of goals that I wanted to achieve before I died. Over the past three weeks and into the next two I am making one of the biggest ones happen. I am doing something that I have wanted to do since I was 10 years old and this makes me extremely happy. I guess I had dreams of people putting their hands on my back and saying that they are proud of me for doing this, but then again, that would be asking for the world to notice something I was doing. That isn't something fair to ask of the world. I realized today that this is something I am doing for myself. If there is a line at the bottom where I thank people for support and drive and "I could have never done this without so and so pushing me to finish", well, I like to think i don't ask for much. I can look in the mirror and say "I'm proud of you". And that will be that.

This is bullshit. I can't wait to wash my hands of all this!

don't you just love it when they smile... don't you just love it when I smile!

Here it comes again.

This time I know it's not me. This time there is a battle plan and I will not let this shit invade me.

Thank you...

Apparently I got inspired. I don't know what did it, really i don't, but I have been working like a slave on this one song. I've already put 8 1/2 hours into it and it is sounding wonderful. Hopefully it turns out good.

GAH! holy fuck! This evening I had a table that showed up at 7:00, I was supposed to be out by 8:00. I ended up doing my cash out at 10:30. The bill was 365.00 and i hate to be pissed off about this but they were obnoxious and loud and drunk, and they only tipped my $20 off the tab. I had a $600.00 ring out and ended up with $39.00 in tips. What a shitty night.

Tomorrow will be better, I will work and then get to spend a little time with my bff. tomorrow will be good.

Well... I don't really know what to say right now. I think I'll go to sleep and see if I have happy dreams.

Well... It appears that I am doing things that are detrimental to myself and to others. These things I do not mean to do, but I have. I never noticed. I had to be told, and it's a good thing too. Maybe this is the first time I've actually really listened. Maybe this is the point where if I didn't, there would be no turning back. I would lose on the largest of scales. My friends, my home, myself. I don't know, maybe I'm exagerating. The scary thing is that I don't know if I am.

I spent the last two weeks inside my head and it was not a good place to be. In hindsight, Debbie helping me and giving advice was a good thing but it was not what I truly needed. It helped a lot, and I am so grateful, but at the same time, I think I just needed someone to kick me really hard and say pay attention.

I just got much deserved brow beating this evening, and it made me sink into a little hole that I used to crawl into a long time ago. I thought I had left that ol' boy behind. Well I guess ghosts don't leave that fast.
Do I have anger issues? I guess I do. Not ever being angry is just as bad as being angry all the time, that is one truth this evening that is going to take some mulling over. I think I'm going to have to talk to someone about that because I sure as hell can't do tha